Sorry, no pictures or videos with this post. Just some ramblings and pieces of thoughts that have been brewing in this head for awhile…questions as to where and how I fit into the Body…wonderings as to if there is some greater purpose to my artistic expression…inquiries on how to fight apathy and nihilism in an age where evil seems to prevail. Warning: There might be no correlation tying anything together in the end…I’m just putting words on a screen at this point.
There is a danger in living the life of an artist or a creative person in general for that matter, and that is to become so inwardly focused and self-evaluative that you can tend to miss what God is doing in the world, so I hope that this doesn’t come across as that. It’s a struggle that I battle often. The temptation is always there to shut myself off from others…to delve into the idea that I am and will always be someone that works better on my own. Deep down I know that for an artist to flourish, there needs to be relationship with the church body. But, how do I fit in to that? It seems that everyone else kinda knows their place and just sorta gels into their role within the bigger picture. I often feel as if I’m standing outside the walls of the church, peering in through the windows as everyone else goes about their business of exhorting and encouraging, teaching and ministering through prayer, evangelizing and leading worship and I’m left to wonder how I can effectively use my giftings in a community that seems to be running just fine without me.
There is also the danger of nihilism- and I don’t know if this is the exact definition, but I take that to mean the thinking that nothing really matters anyway. I find myself, especially in the direction that this country has been heading politically, voicing my thoughts as to the upcoming election that we are so far from righteousness that it really doesn’t matter who is in office, democrat or republican, liberal or conservative, christian, mormon, muslim or atheist, that there is no hope of a turnaround at this stage in the game. There is an apathetic mindset that whispers “why pray?- we are beyond hope.”
More than that, again I tend to look inwardly and wonder “Why pursue a new career? Why take a leap? How can I use this for God anyway? How is this going to provide financially? What do I have that is any different from any of the other millions of photographers and artists out there? Why is finding my place in this world still an issue at the age of 37? Who am I created to be? Is it even worth it, let alone a Godly endeavor, in these end days to pursue an avenue like photography?
I was reading Psalm 73 and the words jumped off the page like no other passage I’ve ever read in the Bible… the first part of the passage almost un-Biblical in its heart cry. Starting at verse 2:
But as for me, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. The seem to live such painless lives; their bodies are so healthy and strong. The don’t have troubles like other people; they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else. They wear pride like a jeweled necklace and clothe themselves with cruelty. These fat cats have everything their hearts could ever wish for! They scoff and speak only evil; in their pride they seek to crush others. They boast against the very heavens, and their words strut throughout the earth. And so the people are dismayed and confused drinking in all their words. “What does God know?” they ask. ”Does the Most High even know what’s happening?” Look at these wicked people- enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply. Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason? I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning it brings me pain. If I had really spoken this way to others; I would have been a traitor to your people. So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper. But what a difficult task it is!
Then I went to Your sanctuary, O God, and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked. Truly, you put them on a slippery path and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction. In an instant they are destroyed, completely swept away by terrors. When you arise, O Lord, you will laugh at their silly ideas as a person laughs at dreams in the morning. Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You. Yet, I still belong to You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but You? I desire You more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart. He is mine forever. Those who desert him will perish, for You destroy those who abandon You. But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do.
These verses might not sound like they even fit in with the questions that have boggled this mind, but there was an attitude shift half way through the chapter. When David chose to enter the sanctuary of the Lord and encounter the Living God, he realized his outcry came from a place of bitterness in the deepest crevices of the heart. He chose to find shelter in the nearness of his Savior. He realized that it was only in Christ that his destiny could be found. Not on some pursuit of comparing himself to what everyone else was doing. So who am I supposed to be and where do I fit in? There is a song that has ministered to me countless times recently written by Amy Grant on one of her first albums back in the late 70′s called “All I Ever Have To Be”. It goes something like this:
When the weight of all my dreams is resting heavy on my head, and the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said- I’m still hurtin’, wonderin’ if I’ll ever be the one I think I am. Then You gently re-remind me that You’ve made me from the first and the more I try to be the best, the more I get the worst. And I realize the good in me is only there because of who You are.
And all I ever have to be is what You’ve made me. Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan. As you daily re-create me help me always keep in mind, that I only have to do what I can find. And all I ever have to be…all I have to be… all I ever have to be is what You’ve made me.
Sometimes this road I’m on, particularly the schooling at this stage in my life, seems to be taking forever and the unknowns for what comes next are at times daunting. I stress about missing out on what is going on in the world and everyone else has a family by now and so-and-so has this great ministry and I’m almost 40 and I feel like I’m in no man’s land. It’s easy to become overwhelmed when I begin to compare myself with what God is doing in other people’s lives. When I step back and rest in the fact that I only have to be what He’s made me to be, I find contentment in doing what is in front of me at the moment. It’s schooling right now, but it won’t be forever. It’s a season of training right now, but someday that training will be used to bless. I also find solace in knowing that I don’t have to busy myself with knowing how and where I fit in to the big picture. When the time comes, I just wanna be ready. Is there an app for that? :)
